The Vaginal Defense Against the Dark Arts : Part I

2009-10-07T16:09:00.000-07:00

I have now introduced you at some length to the innate powers that you hold, simply by your possession of a magic vagina. But you cannot yet wield these powers without training.

Fear not. Here at the Magic Vagina, the single goal is to harness the power within. In our weekly webinar, Vaginal Defense Against the Dark Arts, you will learn not only to recognize, but to wield and utilize this power to your ultimate advantage and in service of lifelong pleasure.

Lesson One: Recognizing the Force

While you may not have previously been cognizant of your utter greatness, you have in your lifetime already experienced its wonder. Let me illustrate:

Think about the last time you had sex without a condom. Do you recall the look upon your partners face? That look is your vagina at work. It was a look that contained within it the gratitude, joy, and amazement bestowed upon those who come into contact with your vagina's magic. This look is the The Empire Strikes Back, following on the heels of the New Hope, wherein you first identified interest via a lusty gaze.

This, my younglings, is The Force.

So that we can harness the great magic the Force gives us, we must first return to the past, and recall those moments where we experienced its greatness at work.

Get out your cahiers, and inks. Begin to list those moments when you saw upon the face of your partner (friend, or perhaps...another's partner) the reflection of your own vagina. No compact mirrors here, ladies -- we must trust in The Way of the Force -- pen and paper will be your friend.

Seek out in your memories the details of these golden moments:

Did rain fall, upon the windows? Did the light go down? Was there a draft, perhaps, unfelt in the heat of the moment?

Do you recall the names of these (surely countless) suitors? These are unimportant. For your purposes each is merely a repository of the Force. Assign new nicknames, or numbers -- perhaps, "Thursday guy," or "1B," allowing no remainder of the foolish assumption that it may have been they (and not, as you now know, The Force) that was responsible for such a precious moment.

Perhaps you recall other details -- clothing, time of day, season, or circumstances -- these peripheral objects are but table flowers at your wedding to the force. Use them only insofar as they assist you in your recollection of those clumsy first steps in which you employed but yet underestimated your Magic Vagina.

A sneaking suspicion may have been aroused around this time, a whisper on a breeze that carried with it the notion that it was your power and not your attributes -- that something innate might, just might, be responsible for those looks of love and lust. Perhaps it was not the makeup you were wearing, the fancy panties, your job, your hair, or even that body you worked so hard to maintain (or didn't): it was, simply, your Magic Vagina.

Not only in our own histories, but all around us we can easily observe the Vagina working its Magic. Think, if you will, of those women who clearly do not possess those qualities that Cosmo suggests are at the heart of winning those we most desire (ie: short women, fat women, not-particularly-interesting women, badly dressed women, and so on). It would follow, if the myths that surround us were true, that these women would never be loved by someone beautiful.

And yet, all around us, we see these women followed and sought out by others who seem to be "too good for them." The dark and bitter Helen Gurley Brown inside our heads doesn't allow us to see that this is not a fluke but in fact the direct result of the Force at work. It's important to add that it is not always true in these cases that the issue is only in judging a book by its cover. Oh no. Some of these women do not only lack the visible attributes that one would expect, but can also be awful on the inside. This is why we watch Bridezillas, and marvel at its seemingly endless parade of terrible women getting everything they want -- and the partners who give it to them.

Fold your list up, and put it away. This is a list of people you have blessed. Feel good about that, and remember that they were lucky in that you chose to grace them with the joy and power of your Magic -- never, ever, the other way around. You are charitable -- a phallic philanthropist, if you will. And henceforth should you consider yourself as the chairwoman of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. Except... that Foundation is your very own Magic Vagina. You have the right to be every bit as discriminating in doling out the Force as you would with your billions. You have only one Vagina, after all.

Homework: remember that you needn't seek another to enjoy the full Magic of your Vagina. Take this week to remind yourself of its glory.

There is a Magic Vagina out there, and it belongs to you

2009-10-07T15:16:00.000-07:00

Some women have a magic vagina. You know what I'm talking about; women who always have a hot, smart, sexy boyfriend (or girlfriend); women who seem to have an eligible list of suitors waiting for their current beau to fumble the pass, get drunk and act like an asshole, or otherwise misstep themselves into getting dumped. Guess what? This woman is you.

All women have something magical and singular: their vagina. The magic of a vagina cannot be understated. They are awesome. They are the causes of war, strife, political change, and the billion dollar clothing industry, among others. The vagina is so powerful that some countries cut it up, cover it, or even bind the feet of the vagina-holder to render her an immovable and nonthreatening organ. The vagina is nuclear power.

The vagina is told, in countless ways, that is it inferior to the penis. As man goes about his days following its siren song, he seeks to fool the vagina into the erroneous belief that in fact he has Helen of Troy between his legs, whereas in troth the fall of that great city was due to the magic between Helen's.

Much linguistic smoke and mirrors hath man employed in the fight to resist and dominate over the vagina's clearly superior powers. Bitch, slut, cunt, PMS, hysteria, ho, whore, shrew, and nag are all words that try to take down the vagina; fat, ugly, smelly, hairy, old, dried up; even though all these words apply to men, when applied to a woman, they are brutal. "Fishy" is a particularly disgusting adjective that, when applied to the vagina, takes aim at the very forces which render a vagina so invincible, and inviting.

And yet, its power continues to dominate, as we see in the many heads of state who are brought to their knees for just one whiff of the pink. Clinton; Spitzer; Henry the XIII; Antony; and every billionaire who is on his third wife. The vagina is a force to be reckoned with, and reckon men do, as careers, families, and livelihoods hang in the balance. One could almost say they were under a spell (see: witch, harpie, siren, temptress, sorceress, etc): this is because they are. The vagina is magic.

It's time to break your vagina free from the Elba in which it has been exiled; left on a barren rock to age alone by Cosmo, Tyra, The Bachelor (see also: The Fatchelor), Years of Teenage Hell, Axe Body Spray, and Maxim Magazine. This blog will instruct, enlighten, educate and otherwise reverse the cultural damage that has been wrought upon your vagina and left you feeling, and acting undateable (see: the last person chosen for kickball).