Wednesday, October 7, 2009

There is a Magic Vagina out there, and it belongs to you

Some women have a magic vagina. You know what I'm talking about; women who always have a hot, smart, sexy boyfriend (or girlfriend); women who seem to have an eligible list of suitors waiting for their current beau to fumble the pass, get drunk and act like an asshole, or otherwise misstep themselves into getting dumped. Guess what? This woman is you.

All women have something magical and singular: their vagina. The magic of a vagina cannot be understated. They are awesome. They are the causes of war, strife, political change, and the billion dollar clothing industry, among others. The vagina is so powerful that some countries cut it up, cover it, or even bind the feet of the vagina-holder to render her an immovable and nonthreatening organ. The vagina is nuclear power.

The vagina is told, in countless ways, that is it inferior to the penis. As man goes about his days following its siren song, he seeks to fool the vagina into the erroneous belief that in fact he has Helen of Troy between his legs, whereas in troth the fall of that great city was due to the magic between Helen's.

Much linguistic smoke and mirrors hath man employed in the fight to resist and dominate over the vagina's clearly superior powers. Bitch, slut, cunt, PMS, hysteria, ho, whore, shrew, and nag are all words that try to take down the vagina; fat, ugly, smelly, hairy, old, dried up; even though all these words apply to men, when applied to a woman, they are brutal. "Fishy" is a particularly disgusting adjective that, when applied to the vagina, takes aim at the very forces which render a vagina so invincible, and inviting.

And yet, its power continues to dominate, as we see in the many heads of state who are brought to their knees for just one whiff of the pink. Clinton; Spitzer; Henry the XIII; Antony; and every billionaire who is on his third wife. The vagina is a force to be reckoned with, and reckon men do, as careers, families, and livelihoods hang in the balance. One could almost say they were under a spell (see: witch, harpie, siren, temptress, sorceress, etc): this is because they are. The vagina is magic.

It's time to break your vagina free from the Elba in which it has been exiled; left on a barren rock to age alone by Cosmo, Tyra, The Bachelor (see also: The Fatchelor), Years of Teenage Hell, Axe Body Spray, and Maxim Magazine. This blog will instruct, enlighten, educate and otherwise reverse the cultural damage that has been wrought upon your vagina and left you feeling, and acting undateable (see: the last person chosen for kickball).

1 comment:

  1. Wow. Has anyone ever told you, you're a delusional slut?

    Despite the fact that I am, now, going to need a bloodtest to ensure that I have not, somehow, contracted syphilis, just from reading this tripe, I will say that I am very surprised.

    Why am I surprised? I am surprised because never before, in my life, have I ever read such an essay of delusional nonsense, that the writer would attempt to justify, glorify, and find artistic value in, being a shit-covered bicycle that rolls through entire townships, getting jumped on and ridden by everyone that passes by!

    Let's not forget the fact that you're dense and arrogant enough to believe that any REAL man would be capable of being "pussy whipped", for lack of a better term. If you've accomplished such a feat, than you've only proven yourself to be a dirty skank that attracts stupid boys (and girls, apparently).

    However, if you plan on continuing this type of behavior, please, do everyone a favor and increase the frequency in which you do so. This will aid you in contracting as many diseases as possible that will ultimately end up ridding everyone around you of your stupidity, and also... PLEASE, DO NOT BREED.